Comeback Kid

04.19.24

“You know it’s your dream when you’re willing to spend your last dime on it while on the verge of bankruptcy. You know it’s your dream when you show up for it with a cough and a headache and everything in your body telling you to stay in bed.” - Brina Kay

I had a magical experience today. It was my first time recording a live studio session with all of the instrumentalists there simultaneously. I wasn’t sure what to expect. All that I knew was that the producer had been recommended to me by a trusted friend and that the session players were working professionals.

Before this, all of my songs had been constructed in pieces. My main producer and I worked together, building the song like a puzzle and bringing each player in one by one to play their separate piece. It was a thorough but painstaking process. Trying to rally all the musicians myself felt a bit like herding cats.

My producer has wanted to narrow his niche to strictly vocal production for a while, so he told me to find instrumentation elsewhere for this song. This was very nerve-wracking for me because I’ve built significant trust with him regarding my music, so it’s scary to think of using someone I’ve never worked with before, especially on a song so close to my heart (we’ll get into that later.) Luckily, I have trusted friends out here that helped point me in the right direction.

The past three days I’ve been sick, which is a real bummer because I feel like I always get sick right as I’m about to get my shit together. The day prior I woke up at noon, ran errands before work, and arrived to work 20 minutes early. I did my door-dashing for extra money and had a game plan to earn what I needed for this session over the following week with minimal effort. Everything felt like it was falling into place.

Then, what I thought were just allergies from the warm week we’d had turned out to be not. I felt like my vocal cords were being attacked by mucus, my throat hurt, and I was extremely fatigued. I missed three days of work including one day of manager training. By day three I was beginning to feel really discouraged because it felt like deja vu. It feels like this always happens. I get knocked down right as I’m finally gaining clarity and momentum.

What was different this time is that I have a day job that is flexible and understanding. I didn’t feel pressured to be back before I was ready. I gave myself permission to rest. I drank all the fluid I could fit. My roommate (bless her soul) got me soup. And I just let myself be sick, and in doing so, I let myself get better.

And feel better I did. I have a lingering cough but otherwise, I’m feeling better. I vowed not to push myself too hard, but luckily the only thing on my agenda today was this recording session and it was pushed from 2 pm to 4 pm, which gave me even more time to sleep beforehand. 

Of course, my journey couldn’t be entirely smooth. The train had come to a dead stop blocking my path so I had to find a way around it, which meant ending up in really slow traffic. But I eventually made it to the studio and thankfully nobody was mad at me for being late.

I wasn’t entirely sure where to go or what to do, but I was eventually guided to the control room. This was very exciting because it felt very professional. There was a lot of hustle and bustle around me, and I could tell that this was all running like clockwork for the team. The producer handed out the chart for my song and I went to do a scratch vocal in the vocal booth.

They played through my demo once and immediately had the right idea about the song. I was beyond impressed by how quickly they picked it up and knew exactly what I was after. I would have been satisfied with the first run-through, but the producer said it needed to be a bit more “rock and roll” to fit the college football feel I was going for, and what they did next blew me away. It’s like someone had taken what I was hearing in my head and translated it through their instruments. I admittedly felt like a bit of a deer in headlights because this was so different from my normal process. I waited as the musicians talked amongst themselves and made their necessary tweaks. I only chimed in a couple of times to provide some direction, because they really had it dialed in. After a short while, I was instructed back to the control room where they added some finishing touches. The whole thing only took about an hour. By the end, I felt myself tearing up because they really captured the emotion of the song I was going for, and the whole experience was incredible.

Before I knew it I was already on my way home, with a huge portion of the project already done and done seemingly to perfection. Having spent three years on my previous project, the speed and precision in which this was all accomplished was mind-blowing. I felt like a kid in a candy story hearing it all come together.

Today is all around a fantastic day. Taylor Swift dropped a new album today (which might be my new favorite of hers) So that only added to the magic. It was magic I desperately needed after spending the last three days sick and scared that the tables were turning on me again like they always did before. 

I’ve felt called to fight to make this song happen this year and today’s magic was very validating. It also gave me that “Nashville feeling” again that despite everything, I’m in the right place doing the right thing. You know it’s your dream when you’re willing to spend your last dime on it while on the verge of bankruptcy. You know it’s your dream when you show up for it with a cough and a headache and everything in your body telling you to stay in bed. 

I have 63 cents left in my bank account right now and I’ve been hacking up a lung. I also had the best day ever and I’m so excited I can barely contain myself. Only a worthwhile pursuit can make you feel this way, so if you’re feeling this way, just know that no matter the obstacle, that you're on the right path.

4.20.24

The American healthcare system is the biggest scam on earth and that is all I have the energy to say about today. 

...

Popping back in to just say that being an adult is hard. It’s hard to navigate in systems that don’t make sense and feel like they’re actually designed to screw you over. It’s hard to just roll over and take it and go with it rather than try to fight it, especially when you have no reasonable ability to fight it. 

Long story short, I’m having trouble getting my antidepressant prescription refilled. My primary care doctor moved out of state and I haven’t had the time money or energy to figure out a new one (it was a task I had designated for June) so they’re refusing to refill it. I jumped through a bunch of hoops and talked to a bunch of robot answering machines to find a solution, only to be told by a rude woman on the phone that she didn’t want to fill it for me. She wants me to be seen first, even though there have been no issues other than the fact that I can’t get this refill. The thing with antidepressants is that you can’t just stop them once you start. You need to taper it off or it throws your body out of wack. 

I’m frustrated, I feel helpless, and I honestly feel like I’m being bullied. I haven’t gone to the doctor lately because I haven’t needed to, and because it’s a $40 copay if I do, which is not something I can afford. This woman on the phone made up a bunch of random contradictory reasons why I need to go in first, and the whole thing is just causing me more stress and making me feel more down.

I was feeling so on top of things before I got sick. Even dealing with money problems I was feeling in a good enough place to still call myself happy.

Music is the greatest joy of my life. The pursuit of it is my only option for true happiness in my life. It’s where I feel most alive. But choosing this path makes every other aspect of life more of a challenge. And being an adult is hard.

I’m 27, perhaps mentally 24 having regressed a lot during COVID, and I don’t feel equipt to handle all of this myself. I want to hold my stuffed animals and cry in my bed until my mom comes to tell me she’s figured it all out for me and it’s okay. But that’s the thing about being an adult, you have to learn to be that person for yourself. And this is something that I’m learning, even if I’m doing it while still throwing tantrums about it like I’m a kid. Even if I’m frustrated beyond belief, I’m doing it.

What I’ve learned is you can’t rely on these systems to be there for you, care about your wellbeing or do what’s best for you, even though that’s what they’re supposedly set up for. I’m a huge believer in modern medicine, so don’t take what I’m saying for hippie BS, but there is a lot that needs to be fixed to actually make this thing work for people.

What I have learned a lot about in therapy is having more radical acceptance of the things I can’t change. I can be the biggest Karen in the world, but I still can’t force these people to fill my prescription. I have to live with the consequences of not having this all figured out sooner. That means missing a couple of doses and all the side effects and setbacks that are going to come with that. I can scream and cry and blame them all I want, and justly so, but at the end of the day, it’s still my cross to bear.

The good news is, that you can create just systems in your own life. I might not have access to the antidepressants I need right now, but I do have a best friend who made soup for me and listened to me rant about the situation. I have episodes of Survivor to binge that can distract me enough from my frustrations to stop thought spiraling for a bit. I have a boyfriend to watch anime with after that. I have hot tea I can brew and drink all day long. I have a nice shower I can take and a new Taylor Swift album to listen to. 

My takeaway from all of this is that the best lifelines are the ones we create for ourselves, and the best thing to do during all the stress and chaos is to be grateful for those things. I’ve learned not to lash out at these lifelines anymore, because even though they’re ready and willing to weather the blows because they actually care, it’s not what they deserve. And I don’t get a pass to be a shitty person just because I’m having a rough time.

 Unfairness and unjust treatment are a cruel harsh reality, and there are places in the world where the consequences of that are much worse than I could ever imagine. My problems are manageable and I’ll manage them. Then hopefully one day when I have more power and leverage I’ll make create a place where people won’t have to do the same. 

I can say woe is me all day but until I have the power to change my circumstances I just have to deal with it as best I can and not sabotage myself out of spite, cause I’m only hurting myself that way in the end. 

Honestly? Maybe I’m just a big baby and I’m weak and not cut out for this. That’s also an option. That doesn’t mean I’m gonna stop but it’s an option know that you're on the right track no matter what life throws at you along the journey. 

5.30.24

I haven’t been keeping up with this blog at all. I’m sure I have had some good experiences that I am forgetting to mention. I have had some good writes, been to a few shows in town that inspire me to keep going, and my day job has been good which is a nice change, I’m actually officially a manager now and making better pay.

On the downside, I’m going through a breakup again. So I am sad. I am handling this sadness better than I did last year, and overall am in a better place, even though that place is sad. I have better coping skills, I guess that’s a testament to my own personal growth.

Anyway, I need to come up with $400 this week to get my music by my planned recording date on the 7th. I gave myself the prior week to focus on wallowing so hopefully Monday I’ll be in a better place to buckle down, do my doordahsing and make this happen. 

7.6.24

Looks It’s been a couple of months since my last post. That’s because I’ve been trying to go easy on myself.

The annoying part about breakups is that they take up a great deal of energy, physically and mentally. I’ve been very lethargic, sometimes it feels nearly impossible to get out of bed. It’s made a huge difference this time around to not have a day job that starts early in the morning. It’s allowed me stay up all night without jeopardizing my income. All the goal planning I did at the beginning of the year feels like it went out the window. You go from focusing on progress to simply trying to make it through the day.

My strategy needed to change and so did my goals. Number one right now is to be gentle with myself, keep showing up to work, fill my days with activities that bring joy, and not put too much pressure on myself. So far it’s been working.

I’ve been taking it a day at a time and slowly but surely, I feel the light coming back into my eyes. this ain’t my first rodeo so I know it gets better, it just takes time, which I sometimes lack patience for.

In the music industry and in life, adaptability is key. If you’d have asked me a couple of months ago what my life was going to look like today, it would have sounded like I was in an alternate universe. I was supposed to move in with my ex in August and had an entire future planned out that felt like it imploded in my face, and in this situation, a clean slate can be terrifying.

But with anything in life, there’s always opportunity. This relationship took up a lot of my time and energy, which is now free to channel into other things. I’ve decided that I am going to remain single for six months minimum because I want to focus on and prioritize myself. I think when you get into a long-term relationship, you can almost start to merge your identity with that other person. I want to take this time to figure out who I am again and get to know her.

I also want to make my music number one again. There’s a lot more I know I could/should be doing, and now I have the time to do it. I’ve got a new song in the works and it’s coming together amazingly. I am also investing more time in my social media game, which I know is my key to success. Learning guitar is a daunting task and I haven’t started that up again but maybe I will soon. I’ve also decided I really want to tour next summer so I am going to start doing my research and planning for that now.

I’ve had a lot more time to pour into my friends both here and back in Chicago, which has been fun. I am very lucky to be surrounded by fun people and an amazing support system. 

I know I am going to come out stronger and better and likely more successful out of this. I have a gut feeling, it’s just a matter of time, and I’ve got to take it day by day. 

7.23.24

I haven't been writing a lot in here because I have been gentle on myself, and have been sticking to tasks that are required of me. But I am back to say that things have been going well since my last post.

My song is completely recorded and my producer and I are just adding some finishing touches. This is very exciting because after such a long painstaking project last time, it felt nice to crank out a single and have it done and to be out in a couple of months. The hardest part is over, and I'm on schedule, which is a great feeling.

I feel like recording music has played a huge role in making me a stronger singer, specifically recording music with my producer who is just as detail-oriented and a perfectionist as I am. He's also a very good coach.

I had to do a lot of mix/belty high harmonies in this song. I am an alto, and this is not where I am comfortable singing, but being in the studio gives me a safe space to experiment in this vocal range, and work on making it stronger. I am proud of how the whole thing turned out and I feel like my vocals are stronger than they've ever been. Having to hit these ridiculous notes for harmonizing in my song challenges me and makes me feel more comfortable going for it in a live setting.

I am really really really excited about this song and I have a good feeling that it might just be the one to break me through. I am not going to reveal too much about it now because I still need to shoot my cover art and get my ducks in a row for the release plan but what I can say is that I'm really excited and have high hopes for it. I am so happy that the recording process has been much easier this time around. Recording an EP was a huge undertaking, so recording one and being done felt like a breeze.

What else have I been up to? I had an amazing Fourth of July with friends, we rented a boat and spent the whole day out on the lake and had the perfect firework-watching spot later that night (along with red white and blue popsicles.) As a birthday gift I was able to get my hair done for the first time in a while so I'm feeling more myself. I've done multiple content days with my other artist friends and feel like I'm doing a much better job of promoting my music on social media, and I even went on a solo quest to the Georgia Aquarium for my birthday. Life is beginning to feel like a fun adventure again.

Thinking back to last summer, I remember how much I was hurting, how hopeless I felt, and how exhausted I was. I don't feel like that person any more, even though I am still going through some of the same challenges, and that feels good. That feels really good. It feels like progress. And I am getting the sense in the air that I am gearing up for a big break of some sort.

Last night, I watched the documentary on Simone Biles and the important lesson she taught the world when she pulled out of the Tokyo Olympics to prioritize her mental health. It is so crucial to see that even the best among us, even the greatest of all time, is still a human, and can still struggle. And I've learned over the years that sometimes taking a step back can be just as brave as pushing through, and oftentimes more beneficial in the long run. Simone refused to potentially hurt herself trying to be a hero and took the very necessary and overdue time away to get her mind right and learn better coping strategies. Now, she's back for a third Olympic run looking better than ever. Comparing myself now to myself last summer, I feel like I am too.